As a professional in the holistic therapy industry for many years I consider myself to be well versed in the spiritual laws surrounding atonement and forgiveness.
Atoning for a wrong committed against another – usually as a heartfelt apology – and forgiving others for the wrong committed against us – with or without the heartfelt apology – is emphasised as necessary in our spiritual evolution by most of the world’s great religions.
I have, for the most part, taken those spiritual laws for granted. I have assumed that all acts are forgivable, that an apology will rectify all wrongs and that forgiveness is a natural reaction to an apology…
But what happens when an apology is unacceptable? What happens when the act of forgiveness cannot be bestowed on another?
Does an apology always deserve to be accepted?
I ask these questions because of a discussion that took place between me and a dear friend recently. This discussion was about a wrong that my friend believed with a passion another had committed against him – without going into details, this wrong was quite significant and very malicious, and my friend still harboured strong negative feelings towards this other person. I asked my friend “what if she offered you a genuine apology for the hurt she caused you, would you forgive her then?”
Thinking this philosophical concept would instil a spiritual lesson in my friend I was quite taken aback when he responded with an emphatic “NO!”
I was so surprised by my friend’s response that I shared it with family, friends and fellow colleagues, little did I know that I would be more surprised by the response I received from them! Many of the people I shared this story with I would readily describe as “spiritually aware” so you can understand why I was surprised when most of them said they shared the same views.
After discussing their many stories and perceptions it became clear to me that, in some instances, an apology would simply never rectify the wrong that was committed, and forgiving another was simply too difficult to do.
Now, we aren’t talking necessarily about traumatic acts like murder, rape, torture or abuse – though there are individuals who have survived such horrendous acts and extended their forgiveness to the perpetrators – but other actions that, for the most part we can all relate to, such as being treated unfairly, being wrongly accused of something, having a loved one cheat on us, being lied to, having your work copied and presented as someone else’s, being robbed of something sentimental etc. Would an apology mean anything to us in these situations? Would it then naturally equate to forgiveness?
Most spiritual practises emphasise the importance of forgiving others for the wrongs they have done us – if not for their sake, but for ours. There is some research which suggests that those who do forgive live healthier and happier lives, after all it cannot be healthy holding onto strong negative feelings towards another. Holding onto resentments can make us physically and emotionally ill, even to the extent where we develop certain cancers – which many spiritual healers suggest is the long-term result of not forgiving.
The difference between acceptance and forgiveness
We may, for the most part, feel that we have forgiven another – convincing ourselves that this is the right thing to do and for all the right reasons – only to experience an event or person which triggers all of the pain and hurt we thought we had resolved by forgiving. This shows us that, instead of forgiving, we have only accepted what has happened and that, despite the compassion we have shown the other party involved, we are still unwilling to let go.
Perhaps an apology will help us to forgive? Knowing, or believing, that the other person involved is sorry for what has happened may help us to not only accept what has occurred, but be willing to let go of all the pain and hurt by forgiving them. For some, apologising is difficult, but for others it is relatively easy; they are willing to take responsibility for their role in causing another pain or harm, and in a timely fashion convey their apology sincerely.
But does this mean that we must forgive when we are apologised to?
“We all too often think that just because someone apologises we have to forgive them,” a colleague of mine told me when we were discussing apology and forgiveness. “I get so angry when someone has done something awful to me and they just assume that by saying sorry it will make it all better. Well it doesn’t! And when I don’t accept their apology I am made to look like the bad guy!”
We live in a society which often looks poorly on those who refuse to accept an apology. We, whether consciously or unconsciously, view these people as proud or spiteful – they are the ‘bad’ person, and the individual apologising is in the right. But is this the reality? Even if an individual were sorry, is the mere act of uttering the words “I’m sorry” able to truly rectify the wrong which has been committed?
Take the following as an example of this…
Imagine that you have been accused of abusing your children by a neighbour who has a vendetta against you for something trivial. You experience child protective services taking your children away from you whilst they investigate these allegations; your friends, family and work colleagues are all asked whether they have witnessed any inappropriate behaviour from you towards your children which leaves you humiliated and angry. Then you discover that this story has been picked up by the local media and (though your identity is not disclosed) they make mention of where you live, the school your children go to, your occupation etc which compounds your feelings of humiliation and anger… You eventually lose your job, your partner leaves you due to the stress, and your family is divided between those who think you’re guilty and those who don’t…
Just when you think you can’t take anymore the investigation against you is suddenly dropped and it comes to light that it was your neighbour who had made the false allegation about you. Your neighbour then decides to apologise to you, saying “I’m sorry” in a heartfelt way. Would that be enough to forgive? Would that be enough to remedy all that has happened not only to you, but to your family and your children?
Unfortunately stories like this are not rare; there will always be a small minority of people we share this world with who live to cause trouble for others and do not take into account their actions until something disastrous happens. I am sure you all have such stories, where you have experienced – or committed – a wrong against another and felt that an apology was not acceptable. Or perhaps it was…
Perhaps, when it comes to the final act of forgiving, we need to acknowledge that it is something which cannot be willed but rather must take its own time to occur.
We have all heard the expression “time heals” and we may find that over the years (or many lifetimes!) we can learn to forgive.
Remember, self-forgiveness is part of forgiveness; forgiving ourselves for our role in causing others pain or harm is just as important and forgiving others.
Your Say…
Below I have listed a few things that have happened to staff in our office and to people around us.
Would you forgive in this scenario?
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I would love to hear your own stories about this topic and what each of you chose to do and why – did you offer or accept an apology? Did you forgive, or choose not to forgive, another? What were your reasons for doing so?
Click here to share your story
It is through sharing our life experiences that we can learn valuable lessons, as well as gain insight into the true nature of atonement and forgiveness.
- Gwen
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12 Comments
My ex husband and my best friend had an affair and ended up gettting married but for 12 months they keps it a secret from myself and the kids. My daughter went to stay with him and he sent messages which were meant to go to his new partner but went to my daughter instead saying things like ‘I know its a pain she is here but she wont stay long then we will be together’ etc; she then found love letters dating back for years when we were married she confronted him with them, and he denied it all even though she had proof. When they finally said yes, they were together, the children and myself felt really hurt. They have never offered an apology as they say they havent done anything wrong. My daughter hasnt spoken to him for 8 years and he says he cant understand why? My son speaks to him but has trouble going there to stay, lucky for us they live in the UK. I went through years of hurting feeling betrayed by the 2 people I trusted and loved but as time has gone on it hurst less, and less I actually feel sorry for them as they have really lost the best friend they ever had … and the love and respect from the children.
It is surprising how they cannot believe that they have done anything wrong. Although this is often the case at the time because people have amazing ways of justifying their actions. The sad thing here is that as time passes they still cannot see how they could have done things differently and with some integrity.At least you could all have been offered an apology.
So you say that you feel sorry for them now and I can see how you would feel that. The question is that if they apologised now would you accept? … and would you forgive?
I think you really need to work on forgiveness no matter how hard.
holding a grudge will eventually make you sick- the person that wronged you has moved on and probably wouldn’t even remember the issue and you have made your self sick over it and lost sleep.
Sometimes forgiveness is the only way for you to move on with your life and not dwell in the past.
You need to do a lot of soul searching to get to this stage and some people will feel you are an easy mark because you choose to forgive but you will be much stronger and fulfilled in the long run.
Sharing a building with a colleague, to make it easier to fulfill our financial burden. Until they started manipulating the situation, becoming greedy and degrading my treatments and myself as a therapist…
I eventually left the premises and am now happier. Have let go of that situation and believe that it was a journey I had to travel to experience and learn about strengths and how to empower myself, to be the person I am today…. I have forgiven this person now, and hope that one day they can find in their heart, to respect, trust and believe that we are all here for the same reason. To support and encourage each other to be very good at what we do and to enhance each of our unique qualities….
Not my own story, but I watched an apology/forgiveness process on Oprah once and it went as follows: An apology consists of something along the lines of saying – “I deeply apologise for doing/saying….(whatever the wrongdoing was), I am so sorry for the hurt it has caused you and I promise I will never do it again” Optional is to add “I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me”.
My own opinion is that apology and forgiveness are mutually exclusive….apologising is the perpetrator’s business, forgiveness is the ‘victim’s’ business.
I tend to self-correct, am happy to apologise when I have done wrong and will even approach someone who has suffered my wrongdoings, and apologise unbid when my conscience tells me so.
My belief is that just because I don’t forgive, it doesn’t mean I am bitter and twisted, I generally will just cut off a person and forget them(unless the relationship is important to me).
Forgiveness to me is a necessary process to follow if the issue is strong enough to cause me anxst or keeps me awake at night…then I have to work on the forgiveness for myself, not the other person.
Kind regard,
Shirley Buttery
My twin sister started seeing a guy I was seeing behind my back. She lied to me, betrayed me. This upset me so much my own twin broke my heart. Did I forgive her. It took some time but yes I forgave her. But the old saying is I may forgive but I don`t forget. She is my twin,and i could image my life without her.
It`s funny how things work out, because of it I moved out and ended up meeting my husband, he was my new flatmate. My sister also married the guy and we all get on famously. It was funny when we were fighting about it at the time, this big shooting star fell down right in front of us. We looked at each other and said that was our Dad. I think he was trying to tell us don`t fight girls, it`s all got it self worked out. Just wait and see. And he was right.
I have dealt with a number of people who waited for many years to hear the word “Sorry”. The apology sometimes given can be realy heart wrenching and full of tears, yet that heart felt sorry can sometimes not be for the victim but for the benefit of the person apologising. Either way that can be accepted or rejected.
We all know that horrendes crimes can never be forgiven irregardles of the apology given by a politician unless they back it up with programs that will benefit the victims. But if one is holding a resentment wether the crime be great or small and their health is affected then there is lot more to it then it meets the eye.
Holding on to resentment is part of grieving therefor grief counselling should be used as well as existansial counselling. If the client does not get over it and they are stuck in that situation, in grief counselling, it is known as stuckness. Therefore one has to go beyond that and look into regression to see where the problem lies. If for example the client has been an abused victim as a child and it is a known fact, then regression is not neccessary as it will open up deeper wounds, but one still has to deal with it. Depending on the severity of health and resentment, the client requires to be assessed to see if the client has Psychosis or neurosis and delt with accordingly. Men tend to respond better to cognitive counselling and younger women respond well to Dialectical Behaviour therapy and understanding of Zen meditation.
Every person is different and should be treated as an individual and therapy catered should be for their suitability, need and benefit.
There is no such thing as multiple personality, it is known as and treated as dissasocietive disorder.
It’s become very fashionable to offer an apology for all types of issues, and these words are supposed to wipe out all past hurt and trauma. Does the apology really come from the heart because the person is truly regretful of their actions, or has the apology been offered because it’s what society expects? An apology only has meaning if there is true regret, without that saying sorry is empty words that mean nothing. We need to be mindful that we don’t fall into the trap of harming others or becoming selfish and acting only in our own best interest with the idea that it will all be wiped out if we say sorry. The person who has been hurt will, and can forgive only when they’re ready to let the issue go.
Thank you, I appreciate you sharing your thought provoking responses which serves to remind me of how valuable are the experiences of human beings .. being human.
A friend of mind read somewhere that a short, hand-written apology says more about your character than all the tears and cursing of an emotionally charged meeting.
I have learned in my life that you do not necessarily need to FORGIVE but you DO need to MOVE ON from the situation – in the case of the Mother – it may be that years on there would be much more to that than meets the eye.later you may forgive…in some instances to FORGIVE releases you from that situation and when it is as close as your Mother or Father then maybe working through the situation is best. Often the other person just wants FORGIVENESS so THEY can move on in their life wheras SAYING you FORGIVE does not necessarily mean that EMOTIONALLY you truly HAVE forgiven – so I think that you need to MOVE on and PUT the situation behind you and know that YOU are in the right and have done nothing wrong so you do not need to carry the emotional baggage – that is the job of the person that did the harm in the first place – I have read many articles which say you can FORGIVE BUT NOT NECESSARILY FORGET -I feel it should be the other way around – don’t worry about FORGIVING – just PUT IT BEHIND YOU AS EXPERIENCE IN LIFE – IF WE DO NOT EXPERIENCE THESE MOMENTS IN LIFE WE WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND RIGHT FROM WRONG. Often if people are constantly forgiven THEY never learn they can just say sorry and do it all over again!!!! So – make a decision – forgive or not to – forget the situation – move on from it – grow stronger and know it happened for a reason and take it as character building!!!!
It is of personal circumstances where forgiveness is never given nor accepted. Through stubborness and bad temper neither party would ever forgive nor eccept an apology. On rare occassions neither party would allow themselves to meet eye to eye or stand to close to one another. Distance is preferred where no conversation takes place. This behaviour is generally accepted by those in company and act as though nothing had happened or said as it could lead to an argument and someone may get injured (which has). I was brought up where children where seen and not heard and to watch what one says and if any harm is done to either party forgiveness and apologies don’t happen we just let time allow for healing to come along!